Est. 07.07


Thursday, March 12, 2009

Welcome to the Dark Side

My little dark storm cloud showed back up a few days ago.

I had it a little after my second baby was born. With the birth of my third baby it was more feeling totally out of control (hello...three kids three and under) and not being able to stay on top of my emotional outbursts. Requiring way too much energy to be happy. And really, really worn out.

My mom called me one day soon after Eli was born and I answered the phone crying hysterically. Someone had broken a piece of furniture while I was nursing. I had no control over the situation. And I was just MAD that there was nothing I could do about it. I wasn't mad at my kids. And I didn't want to hurt them. I still loved my baby and loved to hold him. I still loved playing with the older two. I still loved my life. It was just exhausting. And a little dark.

Mom told me to call my doctor and tell them what was going on. I thought, "Oh, they see this all the time. They're just going to tell me that it will pass." I knew that this was not PPD, just a really bad case of the baby blues. I thought that if I just gave it a couple of weeks, it would go away by itself. But my mother has paid her dues and earned my respect 1000 times over. She's always right. Looking back, now I know that she was even right when I was 16 and knew that she was just trying to ruin my life. So now if she says jump, I say how high. And I called my doctor and told him I was having some bad days.

I was surprised that they moved some things around and got me in to see him the very next day. He was nothing but sympathetic and understanding. And he recommended I start a round of anti-depressants. I started feeling better gradually and after about one month, I was really feeling like my normal self again! But I still had that nagging feeling that maybe I would have gotten better on my own anyway.

I stopped taking my medicine truly by accident. I just forgot...for four or five days. When I finally remembered them, I was still feeling great and assumed that I had been cured and didn't need them anymore. So I stopped taking them for good! And felt great!

Until a few days ago. And it really hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't want to go into great detail because this is the internet. But just know that I'm completely open to talking about it if you ask. I started feeling like I am drifting around about three feet below everyone else. And that it just takes too much energy to reach their just takes too much energy to even smile. And I am quite overwhelmed with the idea of doing much more than taking care of our basic, clothing and shelter. It just became quite apparent that I needed to start taking my medication least until I go back to meet with my doctor next month.

Please know that I am still very, very happy with my life. I love my husband and my kids more than I can express. I'm writing this because I know I'm not the only mom who goes through this. Some have it a little better, some have it much worse. But if you're reading this and going through anything similar, please know that we're all in this together. I would love to listen to you...or do your laundry...or sweep up the Cheerios under your kitchen table. Tara Mock* put it best when she said,"You are not alone, this is NOT your fault, and you WILL get better!"

And so will I.

*What I'd Like For You To Know: Suffering from Post-
Partom Depression. Rocks In My Dryer Blog:


the boyd girls.... said...

oh how i love you... i am glad you got some "you" time on friday and more happy that you chose to spend some of it with me!!! you are a precious, precious soul.... love you to peices...

Anna said...

You give me way too much credit. I just thank God for giving me the right thoughts on that day. I could never have raised you three without His indwelling presence. Let's give Him the glory.I love you so much!

Queen B said...

I absolutely love your honesty.

It is so encouraging when people share their real selves...not who they want to be. I am just sure that this post is going to be the blessing that some sweet girl needs.

Hoping you feel better soon.

Amy said...

Thank you for being open and honest and showing that despite the happy times of raising kids, the valleys make us want to cling to God even more. I know that it hasn't been easy...and I pray for you daily. I know that what you have experienced is going to help someone out there so much.

Beachy Mimi said...

I love your honesty. I just found your site via Queen B and Amy. You will get better and I'm so glad you went to the doctor!